Why my virtual girl friend hates Steve Jobs!

Aug 8, 2010

I hate having to keep saying “I love the iphone (ipad etc) but…”

I admit I have very few “buts…”

Although when it comes to apples products the main problem I do have is a huge one and its censorship.

Censorship is the worm in the Apple.

Regular readers will know I’ve explored this topic at Appertunity before (Notably: HERE and HERE) but it’s simply not going to go away!

Jobs is quoted as having said “Folks who want porn can buy an android phone” but the issue isn’t about porn it’s about outright censorship (some, admittedly terrible, erotic literature in the iBook store was pulled by Apple so whats next real literature? D H Lawrence and ‘The rainbow’?).

Apple V Android

Android (googles mobile platform) is catching up with Apple and battle lines are being drawn.

There is already an Android app market for adult products called MiKandi so where is apples adult section of the app market? There isnt one because Apple treat adults as if they were children on the pretense of protecting children (when in actual fact it’s to appease the sexually repressed and often sexually frustrated Christian far right. There is no evidence that sexual material is damaging psychologically).

Given the above I was surprised when I was asked to review the app ‘My virtual girlfriend‘ (hence reason for this latest rant against Apples censorship?)

Guys and gals

The developer of my virtual girlfriend contacted me asking if I could review the app and included a personal statement which I found amusing

If you’re a guy- you will get a kick out of this game. If you don’t – then It’s probably because you’re internally struggling with your sexuality and that’s ok, were coming out with a boyfriend game in the fall. (Joking!)

All Jokes aside it’s just a bit of entertaining and flirty fun, designed for any guy, regardless of whether they are lonely, or they have a girlfriend, wife or whatever.

I found this amusing as I am a gay male (but I still enjoyed this app) so why not have a virtual boyfriend version? Also I suspect that with the power of the pink pound it would be a success in the gay world and wouldn’t require a complete re-writing of the present app plus women do have a sense of humor too!

My virtual girlfriend

My virtual girlfriend was recently approved by Apple so perhaps the tide is turning and Apple have finally seen that consumers want to be treated like adults?

No! Unfortunately not!

Although I love this app Apple still wont allow me to see my girlfriend naked, sleep with her, take a shower together or even see a bit of cleavage although Steve has allowed me to buy her some underwear – thanks Steve!

As Tom Jones crooned ‘She’s a lady…” but is she?

The My virtual girlfriend app is actually a lot of fun and has a professional and polished feel to it. The characters are very SIM like and talk in a similar way.

Initially you take a short quiz and enter some details so that your virtual partner can be created with a personality that matches your own.

Melissa & Me

I opted for Melissa who (hates rats and maths but loves ‘thug life’) here’s how we have gotten on so far.

• She wanted to know whether she should get her hair cut but I liked it how it was so told her no and then accidentally shook my iphone and was amused to note that she nearly fell over!

• She’s now looking quite despondent so I told her a joke which she laughed at.

• She says she has a headache and suggests we get it together to sort it out! So far holding hands is as far as we’ve got! However her hands look massive so I’m beginning to suspect that she’s actually a man in drag or she’s a pre op transsexual!

• She doesn’t like my attempts to touch her or look up her skirt to find out if she’s my very own Mrs Doubtfire which makes me even more suspicious!

• As a gay man I should make excellent boyfriend material although I suspect she might be disappointed in the bed room department!

• I read her a story which she liked and the flowers went down well….

• We recycle some cans together to make a bit of cash (her birthdays coming up and I’m gonna have to get her something nice!)

• She has her TV propped up with bricks so I think I’ll get her some furniture!
• We do some voluntary work which we both enjoy (apparently).

• She says to me “Are you overdue with your library book? Because you’ve got FINE written all over you…” and I actually laugh!

• I try to touch her boobs again (I’ gay why am I so obsessed?) and she gets a little angry! Oops!

• She tells me she’s been cheated on before and I suspect she means my virtual fish in iQuarium – which reminds me I need to feed them, perhaps I can get Melissa to do it?

• I think I’ll introduce her to talking Carl I suspect they will get on well as they have a lot in common given that neither of them exist in the real world!

Why wont my virtual girlfriend sleep with me?

Unlike other virtual pets I feel myself slipping into believing that Melissa has feelings!

We’ve been dating for 17 days in the virtual universe and we havent slept together yet so maybe she’s a lesbian or just sexually frustrated or she suspects I’m gay or she is pre-op

She did say she hasn’t shaved her legs in weeks so perhaps thats it?

Then it hits me! The reason we havent slept together yet is Steve Jobs and his damn censorship!

Melissa is angry! I’m angry!

Steve! Why cant I sleep with my virtual girlfriend?

This is why my virtual girlfriend hates Steve Jobs!

My virtual girlfriend updates

Joking aside this is a very fun app and not what I was expecting. Recently there was a big update with many improvements and additional content to the app so here are a few feature highlights:

*  Progressive levels go to 20+
*  Better gameplay mechanics
*  Enhanced graphics
*  You can now gift your girl Lingerie!
*  Easter eggs

Here’s a bit more virtual girlfriend action on YouTube

You can get My Virtual girlfriend (it’s actually fun whether your a guy, a girl, gay or straight and has little if any adult content) HERE at the app store

SPOILERS:

Here are a few cheat codes or easter eggs (enter these at the player name startup screen to skip levels in this game etc)

Casanova = 3x level up speed.
TacoSauve = unlocks all activites
SirWilliam = unlocks all actions
SmoothOperator = 1.5x level up speed.
FamilyMan = only prude girls are available from selection screen
IdiotServant = only dominatrix type girls are available form selection screen
LilWeezy = Only urban girls are available from selection screen.
GreenPeace = Only Hippie Girls are available
MrMoneyBags = Only Diva girls available from selection screen.
MyLilSecret = unlocks “Average room” environments

You can get My Virtual girlfriend (it’s actually fun whether your a guy, a girl, gay or straight and has little if any adult content) HERE at the app store

Lets hope Melsissa isnt killed off by Steve Jobs and Apple anytime soon!